Even now, this word ... surrender ... brings a tremor to my heart. Because for so long I have fought it--without fully realizing the fact. And it's as if God is saying, "Okay, you gonna trust me now? 'Live a life worthy of the calling?'" By God's grace, yes. This actualization comes in the wake of a week of wrestling with the gravity of what it takes to follow Jesus wholeheartedly. Thankfully, I was not alone -- more than 22,000 brothers and sisters in Christ were doing much of the same at the Urbana missions conference in St. Louis. Even yet, there were hours during the conference I felt completely anxious and lonely as God convicted me of my unfaithful heart of the past few months. Those were hours I spent in the quiet of my hotel room, desperate to hear His voice bidding me come. One of the first seminars I went to called 'Discernment and the Holy Spirit,' because I realized that this past semester I had begun to listen to my own rationalizations, even the tempter, more than I had listened to the Lord's gentle prompting in following Him. I had been ready to pursue cross-cultural teaching within the next year. But recently, too many other factors had come into play: parental concerns and promptings, professional development, money, old relational haunts, timing, and where in the world did I want to go?

And then, one of the plenary speakers at Urbana left us with these words: "Isn't the gospel worth it?" I realized that I had completely left the gospel out of the big picture. In my efforts to take on an adventure, I had forgotten the reason I (should) have desired to go back overseas in the first place. Was it for a radical change of scenery, or for hearts like my Chinese students? The plenary sessions were a wake-up call to the needs of a dying, hungry world, and I was re-convicted of my role as an ambassador and a servant of Jesus Christ in the building of His kingdom. I am not here on my own terms and conditions. But granted, even as I committed to use my vocation for the right purpose, I still wrestled with WHERE to go. Western or Central Europe? South America? China? I have to admit, before Urbana, I had no intention of seriously considering China for the long-term. For the students, I would go back in a heart-beat. But physically, it had been in some ways a trying summer... albeit an adventure. "Here I am, Lord, send me! But not somewhere that promises discomfort!" But then one night in the dome, thousands of voices praised the Creator with the words of We Fall Down in Chinese, and I thought how incredible it would be if my students from last summer could one day praise Jesus like that. I was broken.

Even now, I have contacts from several different sending agencies for different parts of the world (including TeachOverseas, with whom I came to Urbana to help recruit) that I am prayerfully considering. It may very well be China. Guess you might say I left a large part of my heart there. And more than once this week I have felt the gentle whisper of my Savior asking me to trust Him for health and provision for such a placement. God may still surprise me with the "where." And it doesn't really matter with whom, and if I go as a missionary or a tent-maker. If I left Urbana with anything, it's a new sense of peace that those details belong to the Lord, not me. What matters is the condition of my heart. What matters is my willingness to "drop my nets," so to speak, to leave behind family, friends; the concern for career, for a relationship ... for the greater cause of His will and His work. To surrender.

Isn't the gospel worth it?

We finally hired a Spanish bilingual-aid to work with Maricely and Enoc! Unfortunately, she's only here three hours of the day with them (the other half is spent with their younger sister at an elementary school). Even more unfortunate is the fact that she can't come until 8:30 a.m. ... just in time for the very end of my first hour class with them.

I'm frustrated. But on a bright note, I've recently mastered counting to 30, and Enoc feels I'm ready to learn the Spanish alphabet.